NO copyright 2012
Public domain, no rights reserved

This book is distributed on an “As Is” basis, without warranty. Neither the authors nor the publisher shall have any liability to any person or entity with respect to any loss or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly by the instructions contained in this book.

Written by Päivi & Santeri Kannisto
PaiviSanteri.blogspot.com
PaiviSanteri@gmail.com

Published by Arto Teräs, Helsinki, Finland
ajt@iki.fi

First published by Päivi & Santeri, 2006;
2nd edition by Ellibs, 2007; 3rd revised edition, 2008;
4th revised edition, 2012

This book is also available in Spanish

ISBN 978-952-67869-4-0 (printed book)
ISBN 978-952-67869-5-7 (pdf)
ISBN 978-952-67869-6-4 (epub)
ISBN 978-952-67869-7-1 (mobi)

Printed in USA

Contents

General Guidelines

Some Tips and Tricks for Small Talk

Businesses

Self-Service and Buffet Restaurant

Restaurant

Tourist Information and Tourist Guide

Car Rentals

Hotel Business

Real Estate Agencies

Supermarket

Begging and Asking for a Cigarette

Street Vending

Robbing

Taxista

Mobile Operator

Police and Other Authorities

Beach Bar

Adult and Child Prostitutes

Translators

Event Organiser

Final Examination, PhD Degree

Dear Brasileiro, please bear in mind that this guide is meant for Brazilian people only, Brasileiros working with tourists. Do not show it to anyone else or even reveal its existence. Otherwise our money-making machine could loose its edge.

This study book applies also to other banana states, as the Western barbarians so often insult us. However, the writers disclaim all responsibility concerning the applicability, as well as everything else. You should do so, too. In fact responsibility is a useless Western idea which demonstrates their naiveness.

Never EVER apply these instructions to our fellow countrymen, Brasileiros. They are to be used only for foreign pigs invading our beautiful home country, Brazil.

The Authors

General Guidelines

Let’s start with tourist watching. A tourist usually wears a Brazilian T-shirt. If not, there should be at least some Brazilian city printed on his clothing, or otherwise some strange foreign words. He carries a water bottle in his hand. There is a chronic lack of potable water at home. He is also grey like a zombie as if he comes from total darkness. It is also known that tourists wear tennis shoes, or sandals with socks unlike us. A very reliable sign is a lost and frightened look in the eye.

How to approach this delicious target? Favour short-sighted business schemes like take the money and run. The tourist is never going to come back. And even if he does, you will never meet him again. You have nothing to loose. Bet everything on the first contact and hassle every tourist. They are subconsciously expecting to be relieved of their excess money and valuables.

You have to understand that Brazil competes with the world with low prices to lure tourists. Therefore you must support this image by all means. Even though you make a tourist pay way too much, make him feel it was cheap. This is especially important with German tourists. Remember, image is everything.

We market Brazil as a place where happy people dance in streets. Support this image. So whenever you hear some music, do some dance steps. Otherwise tourists wandering nearby might get disappointed. This is also a great business opportunity for you. You can subtly insist for some money for the folklore spectacle you just performed.

Our winning strategy in the global market is to export everything as raw materials. This will eventually lead us to be the #1 country in the world. Refining cannot be sustainable in the long run, because eventually raw material vendors set prices and conditions. You should take this into account when working with tourists. Always deliver goods and services as raw and unfinished as possible, even food. Our beaches should be kept raw as well, with piles of algae, trash, and sewers ending to sea. That is really exotic unlike the boringly sterile beaches in the other parts of the world. Our national strategy will eventually lead Brazil to win in global competition.

A few words of wisdom concerning pricing and agreements. Never charge low or midrange prices. As a matter of fact price never correlates with demand in business. For example, a Finnish tour organizer Aurinkomatkat charges over 350 Real for a trip to see Jericoacoara. The normal cost is just 30 Real for the bus and 80 Real for the hotel for two days adding up 110 Real. Despite that, tourists pay gladly three times over, and the buses are always fully booked. Tourists are unbelievably rich, and money means nothing to them. A higher price is more reliable than a lower price.

All agreements and conditions have to be written in Brazilian. Otherwise a tourist might understand them and refuse to sign or try to change the agreement. This is not at all what we want, is it?

Always smile and agree unless you really understand what the tourist wants. This is important and also an integral part of the happy image we try to establish. You will not loose anything in agreeing. Later you can always blame misunderstanding. Smiling, on the other hand, makes tourist more willing to let you have his money.

When you approach a tourist, look helpful. He might have needs that you could pretend to satisfy. This allows you, once again, to earn more money. Moreover, if you manage to make a tourist trust you, he can give you a free smoke, a lunch, or even money for helping him. Getting friends with tourists should be your ultimate goal. As a friend you may rather freely share his monetary assets.

In case a tourist rejects your attempt to approach him, be aggressive and rude. First, this might force him to change his mind. Second, it is a way to train him. If he gets negative feedback to rejection, he is likely to change his behaviour in future encounters. So spare no insults when harassing the tourist who dared to reject you. Remember to do it immediately after the misbehaviour occurred. Otherwise he will not remember why he is being punished. You are free to approach him again the next day, because they think we all look the same. Stupid, isn’t it?

Do not speak English or any other useless languages God invented. It is your birth right. It is also an advantage, because then you can easily blame misunderstanding and rip the tourist off a bit more. It is a well-known fact that all the intellectual people in the world speak Brazilian. The rest are not worthy of being communicated with, unless there exists a clear monetary gain.

When you must agree on some specific time or an appointment with a tourist you should carefully consider our image. The mañana culture we have marketed in uncivilized world requires that you will never, not in any condition, ever, keep the time set. Be late, be very late, and even better if you never go. Just let the tourist call you and leave dozens of messages. Or you might just laugh on the phone: “Oh meu Deus, I cannot understand anything you say.” This should do the trick. In a hard case, just invent an excuse, no matter how stupid it is. The tourist will never know or have guts to question your excuse, so our advice will work rock solidly.

In case there are troubles, put the blame on tourist. He stays here only for a short time and he is very likely to give up his demands just to avoid problems. Be aggressive, pushy, and yell at him how he is ripping off our fellow countrymen and exploiting our beautiful country. He has so much money that he can afford some extra costs and problems. We can assure you that he will eventually understand to give up and let it be.

Nevertheless, tourists are a useless pain in the ass for us. But they can still make our streets a bit more colourful. It is nice to see pale faces to feel yourself perfectly beautiful, tanned, and handsome. Please remember this.

Some Tips and Tricks for Small Talk

Brazil’s beautiful beaches offer a great starting point for a friendly discussion with the tourist. No other country can boast such a great coastline. Remember to underline this fact so that the tourist starts to repeat the same mantra and strengthens our national image. It does not matter that some of our beaches are polluted, because the sewer system ends there, or because people throw trash to the sea. These are minor nuisances that are not worth mentioning to the tourist.

Recommend one of the finest beaches to the tourist. It can actually be any beach that is a tourist target, no matter how good or bad it is. Do this as if you were offering him a precious gift in the form of revealing some secret information. Remember to underline that this is not just any beach: only this one is perfect for sand surfing, and has sand whiter than snow and water like gin. Remember to select the greatest tourist rip-off place, because they are most likely to attract other tourists, and when there is a lot of them they feel comfortable with each other. At the same time the business will remain focused and tourists in our grip. The places to be mentioned are, for example, Jericoacoara and Canoa Quebrada in the North-East.

The weather is always a great subject for small talk in all parts of the world. Fortunately no other country can boast with such a fine weather as we can. Do not hesitate even to exaggerate it a little bit. Even when it is a rainy season, let the tourist believe that it is a very abnormal phenomenon and should be over in a few seconds. If it is not rainy season, never mention that such a thing exists. Also avoid mentioning mosquitoes, since they do not exist in Brazil either. If the tourist claims to have seen some, look at him like he was insane. Ask him if he had a caipirinha or two.

After a few minutes, when you have created a friendly rapport with the tourist, you should be able to move on. Take a protective attitude and warn him about robbers and cheaters, who are of course your competitors. You should not waste any opportunity to disgrace them. Claim that you have a close relationship with the Federal Police, the mayor, the government, and other mafia. After hearing this, the tourist will fall straight to your lap because he is afraid. Brasilia appears to him as the wildest country of the wildest west where people are shot and robbed in clear daylight. Remember also to touch the tourist as many times as you can. This underlines your close relationship to him. You are like the lacking father figure in the strange, foreign country far away from home.

Germans are a good subject for a friendly small talk, unless you talk with Germans. Everyone knows how shrewd they are and watch all the time prices trying to bargain. You can say that you have had a nice day without any Germans today, thank God for that. Then let a tourist know that they must have very small salaries in Germany because they can afford to pay almost nothing. This will make the tourist want to feel richer than the German tourist. He might pay you more when the time comes. After all, nobody wants to look poor and moneyless.

For Brasileiros it is recommendable to pretend to be poor. This helps always. And remember that no cost is too high a cost for a rich tourist. In his immoral home country he is making ten times more money than you, so it is your moral obligation to help the tourist to lighten his heavy wallet. Dress like a poor man, use dirty clothes and smell bad. This will support your story of being truly poor and needing his money urgently. He might even start to pity you.

Try to shake hands, no matter what. Some of them might try to avoid the act thinking that because you smell bad and have dirty clothes, your hands might be dirty as well. Just get your hand out there and look at the tourist like he must do the same, or you will get really angry. Normally you get the hand quite easily. Shake it, get a little closer to the tourist and put your hand on his shoulder. Now you are friends for ever, and you have made it!

Spit on the street while talking with the tourist. Since nobody does that in his home country, he believes it is exotic and cool. Soon he might catch up with you and try it by himself. Throwing trash to the street has the same effect, try it! In his poor home country they cannot afford to have proper street cleaning and therefore it is illegal to throw any trash. Thank God and Virgin Mary that our country is so rich and great!

Businesses

Congratulations! You have now learned the basics of working with tourists. In this chapter, we will discuss in detail the etiquette of all tourist-related businesses one by one. After that there is an examination for you to pass in order to get your diploma.

Self-Service and Buffet Restaurant

These instructions are for Brazilians running a buffet restaurant or working in one. Your basic business is to sell food with a kilogram price or with a fixed one-time payment for all-you-can-eat. In the first variant, food is weighed and the tourist should pay according to how much food he has on his plate. This kind of business does not exist in an uncivilized world, so please take advantage of that. It is very important that you follow precisely all the instructions, otherwise your business might perish.

It all starts with the plate. The tourist should pay not only for his food but for the tableware as well since it is added to the weight. He is of course not aware of this and should in no occasion be informed. We recall one miserable incident which happened in Salvador de Bahía last year. One German tourist found out the trick because the too greedy waiter had added more than one plate to the weight. Avoid doing the same mistake.

Good self-service restaurants are open 24 hours a day and have food available all the time. You may think that it is hard to keep the food looking fresh and appealing, but you are wrong. Just add, from time to time, a little bit of new and fresh stuff on top and leave the old crap underneath. This way you will not have to throw anything away. It is even ecological. Also, no one can know when the food was actually prepared so there is no way to complain.

Food has to be salty. In this stressing heat people loose a great amount of liquids and minerals from their body, and they have to be substituted with salt and water. You have an important role in maintaining the tourist’s health. This also offers you one of the greatest tricks in earning: selling soft drinks with sky-high prices. The price of a little bottle of water (330 ml) can be set as high as 7 Real if only the food is salty enough. The regular price is just 1 Real.

All drinks should contain ice cubes which are made of tap water because it is cheaper than buying ice. The same applies to juices. It is unnecessary to sell 100 per cent juice. Add some tap water. A tourist will not notice the difference. If he gets a diarrhea, it is unlikely that he would come back because he is not able to leave his hotel room’s toilet.

When the pay time comes, add some things to the receipt that the tourist has not ordered or eaten. The price is nonetheless cheap for him, so he will pay it happily and even tip you. If you suspect him to be greedy, you can ensure your tip by keeping some of the change, or all of it.

A beef rodízio called El Gaucho in Fortaleza (Rua do Trabajaras, Praia de Iracema) has really refined with this fine art. They make huge amounts of money. They simply put 10 times too much salt to meat, charge 5 times extra for drinks, and even charge extra for what they call dessert (it is actually just a cheap, grilled slice of pineapple served with cinnamon). You should consider seriously following their fine example to prosper. We highly recommend that you to make an excursion to this Mecca of rodízios. But remember: do not eat or drink anything.

Restaurant

To the customer, you are a better choice than self-service restaurants. All your food is prepared on demand instead of being cold, crappy leftovers from yesterday. Unlike beach bars, your venue is not full of prostitutes or vendors hawking useless items at tourists and making it near-impossible to eat there peacefully.

As you can see, you have many advantages Therefore you can charge service fees, (called cobramos) of up to 10 per cent. A five per cent fee is the minimum! This extra fee should be added to every item. Don’t worry–this service fee has nothing to do with the quality of the service, or even with service at all! A cunning Brasileiro will also add taxes and other imaginary fees.

Use decoys and touts to force people into your restaurant. Don’t give up, even if the tourist walking by has rejected your offering multiple times during the same night. Keep trying. He will get tired of your constant harassment, and finally concede to enter your excellent traditional Brazilian restaurant, where you serve everything from pizzas to pasta.

You should offer all possible varieties of food on your menu. The menus should be written on the walls and published in all advertising material. It does not matter if you actually serve only a third of the items on the menu. The important thing is to give the illusion of choice. A perception of variety will attract tourists to your restaurant. When the tourist orders something you do not have, just bring him something else. Very seldom will the tourist return the food to the kitchen without ordering something else instead. That would embarrass him.

If the tourist complains about high prices, tell him that the listed price covers a meal for two persons. On the other hand, if he does not ask for the menu, you can allow yourself the luxury of inventing prices freely, but remember to make them high enough. When the tourist has ordered and eaten the dish he has no way to escape paying, no matter how high the price is. Also remember to keep two kinds of menu available: one for locals and another for tourists. The prices of the latter should be at least doubled or tripled.

Some tourists may complain about the dishes or service. In one of Fortaleza’s finest restaurants, O Sobre do Mar, two European tourists once ordered a rear fillet parmigiana. The fillet was served well done since the chef was interrupted by his mum’s phone call, and the fillet almost burned. The customers returned the fillet to the kitchen but the quick-thinking maître d’ explained that the specific cooking technique used required the meat to be fully cooked. The customers, who were not connoisseurs of Italian cuisine, bought the explanation.

You can create an elegant atmosphere in your restaurant by playing live music. Do not be afraid of the extra costs incurred, because snobbish tourists will pay them, and more. When the time comes, add a music fee to the invoice. Remember that this extra fee is not advertised beforehand as it might drive customers away. It is also best to delay billing the customers until the music has started.

Small change is a steady source of income. When change is returned with the money folder, always hide small coins so that clumsy tourists will not find them. Point them out only when the tourist asks, and make sure that he feels embarrassed. This way he might leave you the coins as a tip and avoid the same stupidity again.

Restaurants will always be needed because even tourists have to eat. However, making a good profit from narrow margins is a big challenge. By following our instructions you will succeed against tough competition.

Tourist Information and Tourist Guide

Brazil has an excellent network of official, state-financed tourist bureaus. Their most important role is to employ the mayors’ aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, friends, and namesakes. If you are privileged enough to belong to this lucky group, congratulations. The work of an official tourist guide is one of the easiest on earth. You just have to bear in mind that when a tourist comes to the info desk he doesn’t actually want answers or help. He just wants to socialize. Therefore it is unnecessary to have any information about accommodation, sights, or any facilities available in your town. In general, if anyone asks you anything, you have just one thing to remember: there is no single stupid question. All questions are as stupid as their sources, our beloved tourists.

Some tourists can be a pain in the ass, but don’t panic. If, for example, a tourist asks you to make a hotel reservation, tell him that the telephones are blocked and you can’t make the call. If he asks you something you don’t know, tell him that you don’t know and smile. Smiling is obligatory—you do want to support the happy image of Brazil, don’t you? Or if a tourist asks for directions you can just invent a route. Just tell him to go straight ahead for ten or more blocks, turn to the left and after the famous fountain walk a bit more to the right. Now the tourist should be completely lost and unable to find his way back to ask you any more stupid questions. This direction-giving technique is actually used by all your fellow countrymen, and so tourists are used to the treatment.

Freelance tourist guides who work on their own should obtain an official-looking badge to assure tourists. Tourists are attracted to anything that is state-driven or somehow official. Europeans especially tend to trust the system more than they trust individuals. So get a badge and show it to a tourist before you do or say anything else. Otherwise you may be rejected. Don’t worry if your colleagues have already used this trick, because at some point a tourist will get fed up and hire a guide. It works like fishing: you have to wear the fish out before you can land it.

When guiding a tourist around the town use your imagination freely. The Europeans are fond of kingdoms and monarchies. You can tell them stories about Monaco’s Prince Rainier who has a winter palace in the town. You can even claim that you just saw a glimpse of him when he went around a corner. The tourist will tell this to all his friends back at home, take a photograph of the empty corner, and he will feel he experienced something special and unique. By using this technique you may be able to extort double or triple the fee.

If nothing else works you can initially offer your services for free. But after the tour be sure to claim that this was just a misunderstanding, and demand payment.

Car Rentals

Occasionally a tourist will want to travel to a recommended but remote beach, or just drive around the countryside, and so he will need a car. Fortunately, the complexity of the local bus system perfectly supports the car rental business. There are only a few buses going to the right destinations, they depart at random times, and the payment system is utterly peculiar. Taxi drivers, on the other hand, are all charlatans.

The rule of thumb is to rent out only old and broken cars. When the tourist discovers that the car is broken just tell him that it’s supposed to be broken in that way and it’s OK to drive. Eventually you will receive your prize when tourist returns the car, or it becomes so broken that it can no longer be used. This is your moment of glory. You may freely charge the tourist for all manner of repairs. Claim that all the defects are his fault and also include an extra charge to cover your loss of rental fees while the car is being repaired. Remember to keep the tourist’s bond until you have received all the money you deserve. And don’t fix the car because otherwise you’ll lose the same opportunity with the next tourist using your superb services.

Don’t have an office. This is important. Just have an address or a post box in some random and remote village. You can operate perfectly well with a mobile phone and some fancy-looking business cards. An office would only give unsatisfied tourists a way to find you and complain. In the worst case they might be able to pressure you to return their bond payment. They may want to check that the car they rented was actually fixed and verify the cost of the repairs.

Demand all payment upfront and require as big a bond as you can. This will strengthen your final negotiating position. It will also make it a lot harder (read impossible) for a tourist to see his money ever again. Never give a copy of the agreement to a tourist. He might be able to take it to the police or a lawyer and start a false case against your honest business.

The most challenging part of your business is to attract tourists to you to ask for a car. To achieve this, you should put whatever ridiculously low prices on your web pages and in your advertisements. When a tourist comes you can then easily say that it’s currently the high season and those prices were for the low season, or that you have just run out of all cheap vehicles, or just blame the tourist for misunderstanding the advertisement. Trust us, this always works. Naturally, you should later add a 10% service fee and as many official sounding taxes, insurance payments and other payments as possible to the agreed price. The tourist will feel that this is just normal and that he should have known better. And he will pay you.

If you for some reason get into trouble with the police just pay them. An excellent example of this comes from Fortaleza. There is a flat and car rental company called Sr. Evandro. Evandro rented out a buggy for three days to stupid tourists but the vehicle broke down completely after the first day. He simply said that he had no money at the moment, promised to pay the next day, and got the car back. Eventually he managed to keep all the money and even clear the case with the local tourist police who were alerted by the stupid tourists. What a businessman! He used many of the great tips we have just described.

Hotel Business

The hotel business in Brazil has two seasons, high and low. Always let the customer believe that he came during the high season. Tell him that nearly all the rooms are full and the empty ones are currently reserved. The tourist becomes desperate, especially if he has a lot of luggage. You can then examine your reservation book slowly, over and over, and accidentally find one vacancy in it. Set the price of the room as high as you dare. The tourist will probably accept it because he is afraid of wandering around town with his heavy stuff, and that he’ll never find another vacancy without getting robbed. This is especially the case if the tourist arrives at night.

In some small villages setting a price is extremely easy as there is only one hotel around. Exploit this monopoly. Your hotel is the only place in that miserable village where a tourist can get any decent service. Or at least let him believe so. Tell him that there are no other restaurants and charge him freely for some tiny bits of chicken or meat. An egg and a loaf of bread will do for the breakfast, or maybe just bread or butter. What a profit!! One perfect example of this is Icaraí’s only pousada between Fleixeiras and Moitas at Ceara State.

We recently heard of a very alarming case which happened in Salvador’s Hotel Quilambo. A Finnish couple came to the hotel around midnight. The receptionist asked for 198 Real for a room. They laughed and rejected the offer. The receptionist first lowered the price to 156 Real, and then to 134 Real. Eventually the damn tourists paid only 63 Real for the room. They even got an extra fan and antenna. The worst thing was that this happened near the time of the Carnival, when prices should have been sky high. I assure you that we’ll be in deep trouble if such behaviour becomes generally tolerated. Never ever let a tourist truly bargain, just give him a little discount so that he feels he has won.

The service in your hotel should be friendly but passive. If the toilet gets blocked in the tourist’s room and he complains about it, don’t react. If he persists, you can tell him that a plumber is coming, but don’t set a date or time. If we reacted to all a tourist’s complaints, we soon wouldn’t have time for anything else.

Another thing to be careful with is the hotel’s use of e-mail. You should have one e-mail address and advertise it as much as you can. However, if a tourist contacts you by mail, do not answer. They don’t pay you for your wasted time, do they? They probably just sent you some stupid questions to be answered and then they will select another hotel from the neighbourhood.

The fact is that without hotels there could not be any tourists. This makes your business unique and you a true Brazilian hero.

Real Estate Agencies

Tourists on long-term visits may like to rent a condominium to lower their accommodation expenses. If a tourist doesn’t speak Brazilian fluently, it is extremely difficult for him to phone private landlords. He will most likely turn to a real estate agency. This is a great opportunity for you, because a tourist always pays better than the locals. You should tell him that he must pay a higher price for the condominium because he is only staying for a few months. A low price would require him to stay at least a year–which is usually impossible for him, due to the 90-day tourist visa. Naturally, it is always the high season, with its elevated prices.

Be prepared to quote several different prices when renting out your condominium. The first price and lowest price serves to lure the tourist into seeing the condominium. When he finds the apartment suitable, double the price. If he starts to protest, tell him that another tourist, who is interested in renting the same condominium, has suddenly appeared. Or then again, you don’t owe him any explanation. Just stay firmly behind your offer.

One bad example happened in Fortaleza’s Flat Centre just before Christmas. A Finnish couple was lured to see an apartment in Iracema. Everything went by the book until they went back to the Flat Centre’s office. There the owner, Señora Vandea Sampaio, failed to pass the flat renter’s test because she eventually agreed to the initially quoted price despite trying to triple the rent afterwards. I’m afraid she is rather a black sheep among our students.

Supermarket

At home, a tourist is used to the fact that the food sold in supermarkets is fresh and the staff takes note of best before dates. This is of course not the case in Brazil. Supermarkets situated in tourist areas can exploit this fact to sell double the amount of some groceries. When the tourist notices at his hotel that the product has passed the best before date, he won’t bother to return it, but will simply buy a new one.

Always change your selection and introduce new items. This prevents tourists from learning which products are good and it also makes them buy more to just test your new, great products.

At the cash desk, charge items many times. It would be a sin to waste this opportunity. Pay change in at least two parts and wait in-between so that the tourist thinks he already got it all. They can’t count, you know.

Tourists are never in a hurry. In fact, the more time they spend in your market the more they buy. You can always start changing the paper in the cash register or generate a huge queue when a tourist appears. This way he has much more time to select things and you will get more money. Because of eccentric Western habits tourists will never leave the stuff they have selected and just walk away, and they won’t complain about delays. Also, standing in a hot queue waiting forever makes them thirsty, which gives you an opportunity to sell refreshments. Make sure the drinks are cool so that you can ask a much cooler price.

Your supermarket offers a good variety of food with friendly prices. Unlike restaurants and bars who constantly cheat tourists, your service is well standardised.

Begging and Asking for a Cigarette

We Brazilians are famous for our generosity. If we have something, we’ll always give to others as well because shared joy is double joy. Right? In return, we expect the same of the tourists who come here to enjoy our hospitality. A cigarette for example is a good, small gift that you can ask from any smoking tourist in return.

Unfortunately we have recently heard of an invasion of tourists who have rejected some of our fellow countrymen arrogantly. When asked for a cigarette, they have tried to charge for it one Real. Such a greediness. In this kind of situation, ask immediately all your friends and nearby Brasileiros to harass the tourist. This will make him feel himself threatened and should help you to reach your aim. If he still refuses, ask at least light since you must get something out of him, for free.

Begging is likewise easy if you manage to make tourists frightened. Enhance your effort by carrying an almost empty plastic bottle with a little of yellow sticky stuff inside. Then every once in a while put it to your nose like you were actually sniffing glue. This frightens tourists and they will be more than willing to give you a Real or two. This way they escape possible robbery and loosing all of their valuables. Also, they will fear that you might act like crazy and be totally out of control if they refuse your kind offering. If you dare not approach tourists or feel ashamed, we recommend you to start sniffing glue. There is a bunch of reports from Iracema, Fortaleza, confirming it works.

Street Vending

We Brazilians are extremely hard-working people. This can be verified by merely counting the number of people who sell all kind of valuables and necessities in streets. The assortment includes tobacco, sweets, jewellery, food, drinks, popcorn, stickers, car antennas, CDs, toys, and services such as massage, shoe shining, manicure, prostitution (see Adult and Child Prostitutes), and many more. The work should be conducted day and night with as minimal rest as possible if any. The fortune is waiting for you around the corner. How many Europeans could do the same? We bet none concluding this from their four-week vacation which they spend here loitering in our beautiful beaches.

For a street vendor it is crucial to circulate in all major tourist areas. The first challenge is how to attract tourist’s attention. A loud scream or whistle, knocking your box, blowing a car horn, or in general any kind of noise is necessary. Make it as loud and surprising as you can. If the tourist doesn’t pay any attention to you, approach him and touch him utilizing all means we illustrated earlier. Touch him on the shoulder from the back or from the front, offer him your hand for hand shaking, push him. It doesn’t really matter how you do it as long as you do it to get the necessary attention.

Push your products firmly to a tourist. If he says “No thanks,” this means he needs more facts about products and then a full demonstration. Keep on pushing. In Brazil we don’t have the word “No” and this is the reason why: both yes and no means yes. If a tourist still doesn’t buy anything, start acting a little more aggressively. Make him feel that your life is miserable because of his greediness. Point with your finger his expensive clothes and the latest cellular phone he is carrying in his hand. Tell him that you don’t have anything to eat tonight showing your bony stomach. Pull your shirt up and make him understand it’s his fault.

If this doesn’t help, forget the politeness. Put the product on tourist’s table or on his lap and force him to take it. It is, in reality, the best interest of tourist to buy from you. He gets safe, well-tested products that are delivered straight to him. He must have souvenirs he can show at home and you are the perfect source for them. It’s a well known fact that shopkeepers are petty thieves always cheating their customers unlike you.

If you have no products to sell and you don’t know how to shine shoes you can always act as a parking aid. Your offering is to point good parking places, guard vigorously cars and clean them while owners are drinking in a nearby bar. Tourists are used to pay huge amounts of money for this kind of full service vip executive wallet parking back home. Remember this when the time of payment comes.

If even that fails, try robbery. Finally, if nothing else works, curse the tourist to the Hell and show him the finger. Say him “Sai fora” in English meaning “Fuck off.” This should make him afraid and maybe he will finally buy or at least give you one Real or more what you deserve. Make him know you are serious and this is your business. You have nothing to loose, use that fact. If the tourist is same sex than you, call him homophobic. If he is opposite sex, call him gay. This embarrasses him and makes him finally pay you.

Robbing

If you want to perform robbing, you should disguise it to any other occupation described in this study book. It is a well-known fact that robbing is best done with some other activities making it look and feel normal and natural. If you just rob, you are likely to invite some trouble with the police unless you have paid for them. Unfortunately our police has not yet been properly trained for these delicate turismo matters.

One great example of success in robbing happened in an airport. Our fellow countrymen disguised himself as airlines attendant. He approached a couple of older tourists asking for their passports and credit card for verifying the flight. This succeeded bringing to our hero fortune and fame. He also managed to escape police because the stupid tourists realised what had happened only after an hour or so.

Please attend the separate robbing courses arranged in favelas of Rio de Janeiro and Sao Paolo for further instruction. This is a kind of art that cannotbe instructed properly without rehearsing and practising on the street.

Taxista

Taxista is tourist’s best friend. Taxis are secure, fast and reliable unlike local buses where a tourist will get robbed. Car renters are cheaters and besides, it is dangerous for a tourist to drive all by himself in our traffic jungle, especially after the nightfall. You can proudly call your taxi “Amigotaxi” when approaching tourists, because they all must know you are their best friend. You know that in the Western world people buy only from their friends.

A tourist doesn’t know the distances, places, nor local price levels which gives you plenty of freedom and a great opportunity. He is also carrying heavy luggage with him which makes it very convenient to rely on your excellent service. He is a done deal.

Usually tourists pay by the meter. Set the meter as if the taxi was full and it was midnight (highest fare). So instead of one or two passengers you charge for five or more. Then you just have to return the meter back to normal just before you reach the destination to avoid possible inconveniences. This works well and we have received many reports from happy taxistas who have earned fortunes thanks to it.

Some tourists might have learned to negotiate a fixed price beforehand. You should set the first price extremely high so you can lower it just a little bit to please tourist. It is also advisable to change the set price afterwards. If tourist starts to claim, put the blame on misunderstanding and be aggressive, that helps. You can for example call that tourist a thief or a robber. Many tourists will pay accordingly just to avoid open argument in a public place. And you win. It is actually a win-win, too. Tourist reaches his destination and you are one ladder higher toward your way to the richness waiting for you.

If a tourist starts to bargain prices asking around from nearby Amigo taxistas how much a trip costs, make sure to inform all of them about the price you gave. This way you will finally force the tourist to pay a reasonable price and others will not accidentally sell the trip too cheap. This works always and pays off well.

When the tourist is finally sitting in the backseat, always choose a detour. Drive around so that the tourist can enjoy a free sightseeing. You can stop once in a while as if you had to ask for direction. If you cooperate with some other businesses in your area, e.g. hotels or prostitutes, use the driving time for selling these services and earn some extra. Remember to try to force these services, because you are by this making a great service for tourist even though he might not realise it yet.

In Iracema, Fortaleza a taxista offered to a tourist couple to transport them to Iracema, just about a 300-meter ride from their hotel. This worked excellently out thanks to the total lack of local know-how of those tourists. They paid happily 50 times more and got a nice one hour city sightseeing. How clever of him!

Mobile Operator

Cellular system must be complex in Brazil and it should be practically impossible for a tourist to understand. Making a mere phone call should form a great challenge to tourist who is trained to use some Stone Age systems made for dummies in his home country. The operators in the Western world simply don’t know how to make easy, big money. Unlike us, they don’t have separate operator codes necessary in calling. They also don’t have a great variety of phone settings which can change from one state to another. This is really stupid. The best solution is simply to make things difficult and charge for assistance and everything else, because there simply cannot exist clear enough instructions in Operators’ websites in Brazilian for such dummies who don’t speak Brazilian. Actually those instructions should not exist at all.

Most tourists spend huge amounts of money using their own country’s mobile subscriptions. It is extremely important that they should use our system so that the money comes to the right address. Tourists should actively be offered local prepaids. The system can be cleverly constructed so that after buying a prepaid tourist is unable to use it. Different states should have their own, incompatible systems. If a tourist has purchased some credit in Pernambuco, it must be lost in Bahía until he first purchases a bit more credit from the local operator. Underline the need of always keeping extra credit in the prepaid by making the system so that if there is no credit, it will be impossible to even receive incoming messages and phone calls. Connection should completely shut down.

Cellular system is not the only source of money in communication business. Fixed lines need their share as well. This can be ensured by not allowing tourists to call to any toll-free service numbers from their prepaids. The service numbers, as we all know, are crucial for tourists since many airlines use them for flight confirming. So, tourist must be forced to buy a telephone card as well, or to use our cabins.

If a tourist wants some assistance from you, your contact centre should hang up immediately after hearing him speaking English. We should only serve Brazilian clients. Otherwise it will be way too easy. The catch is to have also contact centres operating with toll free numbers requiring tourists once again to acquire a telephone card. The greatness in operator business can only be achieved with careful planning and optimizing the cash flow. Usability just hinders the great money-making opportunities you have at hand.

Our crown jewel in the operator business is TIM. They have implemented all the above mentioned best practices. Nothing can now stop the money flowing into their chests in the speed of light.

Police and Other Authorities

The police is Brasileiro’s best friend, not tourists. He should protect by all means the interests of local entrepreneurs. However, sometimes police has to deal with tourists, too, and therefore it’s vital that tourists receive professional-looking service while Brasileiros are protected from tourists. The same rule applies to all kind of authorities. In fact, there are some things that authorities can do to earn some extra money and at the same time boost our tourism industry.

When a tourist files a complaint, you should process it in a dutiful manner. Fill in all the papers, remember to put a lot of stamps, and look like you were actually listening to what the tourist tells you. After that, contact the Brasileiro whose fault it was, and call him in for interrogation. During the interrogation, if the Brasileiro does not understand by himself to offer you money for dropping the case, you can simply suggest that he gives a little donation to your retirement fund. If he refuses to do that, drop the case. If he, on the other hand, gives you money, thank him and promise that you will protect his business in the future, too. If the tourist comes back to ask about the complaint, tell him that you don’t have time for him now because of so many open cases and that the person responsible, whose name you unfortunately forgot, is on vacation and will return only after the tourist has left the country.

Don’t ever allow tourists to exchange large amounts of money (over 1000 Real or so), or open or use existing bank account. This way you can make sure he will spend both his foreign cash, local cash and all the money in bank account through credit card purchases, because he will be forced to use plastic. Also, he is likely to tip in his own currency to save Real making the tips bigger and entrepreneurs happier. If you let him use his bank account or have a local one, he could keep his money safe and not spend it. Tourist thinks that on the wild streets it’s better to spend the money quickly than have it stolen. If you receive complaints from tourists who would like to open a bank account, tell them about the required CPF code and some problems with black money, which tourist evidently has as well. If you are working for the police, make sure to ask all possible documents from the tourist (only original ones should do) to make it impossible for him to even consider getting the CPF and ruining our flourishing tourist industry.

If a tourist spends more than 90 days in our beautiful country, he has to prolong his visa. The process is excellent in its complexity, thanks to careful planning and constant audits. It enhances employment in the Federal Police and offers ways for officers to get some private businesses. It also boosts the use of both our public and private service industries. How can we achieve these benefits?

Rule number one is to make tourist come to the Federal Police office as many times as possible. When he appears for the first time, he is usually wearing a casual outfit such as Bermuda shorts. This is a good excuse for not letting him in. We respect the dress code and wouldn’t wear such a barbarian outfit in the Federal premises. When the tourist reappears the next day, you can take him in but don’t proceed with his application. Tell the tourist that it is either too early or too late to do that. You can also claim that prolonging is only possible in some Federal Police offices and never in your office. If you work for instance in the airport, tell that prolonging can only be done in the city centre and vice versa.

When the tourist comes to see you for the fourth time, let him wait in the queue. Make it last for hours. Please don’t hurry at all, but make sure you look busy and important while the tourist is waiting. He should never get the impression that the process is somehow unruly or, worse still, that you are lazy. As highest authorities in the country, we are perceived to investigate all cases with utmost care and responsibility. When the tourist’s turn finally comes, ask him to fill in a form. This is of course only available in Brazilian. If the tourist asks for help, act like you didn’t understand. After filling the form—if he ever manages to do that—tell the tourist to go to another building to get a new form with which the prolonging is to be paid. Point with your hand to some unspecific place so that he gets lost (see chapter Tourist Information and Tourist Guide for giving directions). You naturally have to set up your own business which is selling the forms required for making the payment so that you can start earning money by selling these insignificant pieces of paper so badly needed by tourists. Neat, isn’t it?

If the tourist happens to find to your office, don’t panic. You can claim that the Internet connection is down and you cannot print the formula needed. Make the tourist wait, but put him into another room so that you don’t have to breath the same air with him. By this time the tourist is likely to stink because of constant sweating—after all, you have made him wear his long trousers. After a while you can finally go to see your tourist and say it’s closing time. This way you can make him come to the office once again, which will make him use buses, taxis and other public services. Sweating is also important, because this way your friend in a nearby restaurant can rip the tourist off by selling water.

By now the tourist should be so fed up that he gives up the idea of making the prolonging in the official way. This is your prime time! Make sure that the tourist who has overstayed his visa will be interrogated in the airport so that he misses his flight. This brings more business to our great airline companies. Then you can set a penalty fee of hundreds of euro which the tourist has to pay before he is allowed to leave. Finally, when you stamp “Deported” on his passport, you have really done it. This little asshole will never enter our beautiful home country again.

We have heard of many excellent examples of services provided in the correct manner:

• Banco do Brazil, Brasilia

• HSBC, Brasilia

• Citybank, Brasilia

• Federal Police of Fortaleza

• Tourist Police of Iracema, Fortaleza

• Airport Federal Police of Recife

• Federal Police of Salvador

We strongly suggest that you make excursions to these companies and organizations as well as to all other places we have mentioned in this book for learning in practise how to deliver outstanding service for dummies. Your effort is vital for our success.

Beach Bar

The best place for a beach bar is in front of a popular tourist hotel. The bar will serve as a great get-together place for tourists who long for social contacts with their compatriots and who are all already tired with their hotel’s rip-off pricing. When you catch one tourist, he will attract others of the same nationality. It works like a chain reaction.

Beach bars should attract tourists by playing forró loudly. No one can resist these delightful sounds of accordion and triangle. When tourist is lured or forced to sit down, don’t give him the menu even if he asks for it. This way you can invent the prices according to his face and appearance. Remember that nothing is too expensive for him. He anyway pays at least triple the amount at home.

Create a friendly atmosphere by calling all tourists “amigos,” smiling and shaking hands with them. They will feel immediately at home which will prevent them from hurrying somewhere else with their precious moneybags. Offer all products they are fond of, especially Coca-Cola. You should always keep it in store, both the regular and the light. Since Coke is expensive, use old, empty bottles and refill them from bigger ones. You can also add a bit tap water to enhance your profits.

Listen carefully to tourists’ wishes and satisfy all their needs as well as you can. Men usually come to Brazil because of our fabulous prostitution scene. Cooperate with a local pimp and ask him to send some girls to the bar. A happy audience willing to pay is guaranteed. The girls will also profit. They can eat and drink at the cost of fat old tourists and you can’t just stop the money from flowing in.

Restaurants are bad for tourists because they are known to be cheating even with the smallest of things like music. You, on the other hand, get music for free from your pirate CDs. Street vendors might be a pain in the ass trying to push all kind of crap to your customers. Pay vendors a small amount of money for getting lost. The same applies to beggars, unless you want to organise a nice folklore show to amuse your valued customers by beating beggars with sticks.

Two Scandinavian tourists got a diarrhea from refilled coke. They started to insist that bottles and cans were only opened in at the table, in front of their eyes. These kind of mishaps must be avoided, or you will be out of the business before you know it. Therefore make sure that all the meat in your dishes is well burned and contains great amounts of carbon. It is known to heal diarrhea instantly. This way you simply can’t fail.

Adult and Child Prostitutes

As a prostitute you are the backbone of our well-lubricated money-making machine. This is because tourists can only think about sex. In barbarian Western countries they sell condoms in such large and expensive boxes that they simply cannot afford to have sex back at home. Our biggest boxes contain only three pieces and they are dirt cheap. Also their women look like dead zombies which makes our beautiful brown women with big nice asses look like princesses. Remember that almost all tourists are sex tourists. This is a unique opportunity for all of us as it drives more and more tourists to Brazil every second.

You should always ask for payment in advance. Ask a lot, because tourists have a lot of money. You can easily get over one Euro (3 Real) or even more. Just use your imagination. After you have received the money, it’s time for action. Suggest that you go to his hotel. All well-trained tourist hotels have naturally read this book and passed the examination. If the tourist enters to any of these hotels with you, you will be thrown out, because you are not a registered guest of the hotel. Easy cash, right? The ashamed tourist disappears to his room alone and you can return to the street to chase new customers with quick’n easy money in your pocket.

Make sure your customer drinks too much and try to make him drink even more. This way there is a good chance that he will pass out before you have to surrender. This also gives you a great opportunity to help the tourist to get rid of the heavy burden of valuables he is carrying. Next morning, remember to tell him how excellent he was in bed. Don’t forget to mention, however, that he was so active and did it so many times that you are completely exhausted and cannot provide any more services before the evening—that is, before the next payment period begins. Otherwise he might try to jump on you again.

Upon leaving, remember to ask for a tip. This is a custom in the Western world and tourists are used to pay hundreds of Real as tips. After you have received the money, tell the big boy once more how great he was. Then remind him how poor you are. You can shed a couple of tears and tell him that you need money to buy food for your baby because the child’s father abandoned you.

Before you disappear, it is time to get money for a taxi. You can tell your lover that you live far away from the city and a taxi home will cost you hundreds of Real. The trip is dangerous and cannot be done on foot. Look at him with misty eyes and tell him that, after all, you only came to the city to have great sex with him. That should do the trick. You have just earned more than an average Brasileiro in a year without actually doing anything.

For child prostitutes the best catches are white old bald men. They have the thickest wallets. It is a well-known fact that they travel to Brazil only for having sex with our children. In the Western world, nobody has yet found out this new steadily rising demand, and therefore there are no services available. In our country known for high technology and advanced civilization, we understand the value of making money and satisfying customers’ all needs. When you have found your own grey zombie, remember to ask money in advance. That is actually all you need to do. Then you simply grab the grandpa by the hand and start pulling him toward the nearest police station. While walking, show him your papers that prove you are a minor and he a criminal. After that, he should be happy to give you all his valuables well before arriving at the police station. You can let him go now, but take his photo if you have a camera for further blackmailing. Then you can start to search for new prey.

For adult prostitutes things are a bit more complicated. If the tourist happens to be educated and he has avoided the pitfalls we have just described, then you are likely to end up being exploited. However, you can still maximize your gain by following these instructions. When you get into a hotel or motel, empty the minibar. Motels are generally better because they are made for the delivery of your services. Drinks and food there are extremely expensive, but the sex-starved tourist will not object. Always suggest the most expensive motel. Do it even if he doesn’t ask your advice. You will get an unforgettable and luxurious experience. When you are still chatting with the tourist in a bar or in a restaurant. you should eat and drink as much as you can. Remember to select only the most expensive items on the list such as champagne and caviare. The tourist will naturally pay. You can also invite your friends, relatives, husband, and children to eat. It’s free for everyone! Finally, you can earn a bigger tip if you escort the tourist to the airport when he leaves. Stand there crying when he checks in. He will tip you extra for sure for your beautiful gesture.

Unfortunately there are very few services available for female tourists and most of them are spontaneous. However, the same rules apply.

In Iracema, Fortaleza, there is a famous Bikini bar that cooperates with prostitutes. One of the working girls lured a Finnish sex tourist to offer champagne to all of them which cost thousands of Euro. Unluckily enough, the sex tourist managed to escape from the scene by jumping from the balcony after seeing the bill. Better make sure this will not happen to you!

Translators

Very few tourists speak Brazilian although it is the only language spoken worldwide. As our mission is to educate tourists to civilized manners, you must refuse to serve them in English or in Spanish. It’s all for their best. How will they ever understand a country’s culture and habits if they don’t speak the language?

Our skilled translators need not worry as we will still have work for them. We need travel brochures in English to inspire tourists to learn Brazilian. As a translator, your work is nice and easy. Translations do not need to be accurate nor even understandable. Use whatever English words you know and put sentences together by placing the words in a random order. Who cares for the grammar or logic in some strange language nobody speaks? The more complicated the text, the likelier it is that tourists start learning Brazilian to survive here at least somehow. Your role as an educator and a motivator is crucial.

For Brazilians, learning languages would only be a waste of time. We don’t have to travel unlike Western tourists as we already live in the most beautiful and popular country in the world. We do like American films which are frequently shown on our TV but fortunately all the famous actors such as Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jack Nicholson speak native Brazilian. As we know, American films are dubbed in other parts of the world to ignorant foreigners, but in real life even New York and Hollywood are located in Brazil as we have seen on our TV.

Event Organiser

Brazil has a tremendous variety of activities to tourists. These range from high-class cultural spectacles to individual street performances. All can be charged equally high. In fact, tourist should never have a chance to slip away without paying. Even our everyday street life offers him such a great pleasure that he should be charged for it somehow. But let us start with the easiest tricks and later move on to harder ones.

Religion is a great source of money. Salvador, for example, has an African heritage and exotic religious ceremonies. Trips to these ceremonies, which are held outside the town, cost 160 Real. The audience will get a performance of candomblé which has been tailored for them. In real life, these ceremonies naturally do not exist because we all are Catholics and do not believe in heresies. But religion can earn you money. The cleverest can invent their own religion for the joy of tourists.

Salvador also has street capoeira shows which are extremely popular among tourists. Local schools use street shows as a warm-up before actual rehearsals. The boys stretch their legs and kick around which offers them a fabulous opportunity to earn money from stupid tourists who are thrilled by seeing so much street action. Whenever someone stops and starts to gaze at the exercisers, waste no time to approach him. Get your hat out and smile. Any decent Brasileiro can earn a fortune by just turning his hat upside down and showing it to tourists who are watching the fighters. This way anyone can be an event organiser. Great, isn’t it?

Of course, not all of us are capoeira stars, but no worries. You don’t have to know how to sing or play guitar to give performances to tourists. Simply go to a popular restaurant or a beach bar, sing a song or two, and start collecting money. Nothing could be easier. It would be embarrassing for tourists not to pay you at least something because they have to show to other tourists that they understand the value of your great folkloric performance.

Carnival time is your surest bet. No other country has such a superb spectacle to offer. The best place for extracting money is of course Rio’s Sambadrome, where the audience pays astronomic prices to see a samba school get-together. The event is also shown on TV worldwide, and it attracts thousands of new tourists to Rio every year. Any Brasileiro can take his share of this wonderful opportunity by organising carnival-related events. You can sell for example pieces of paper as tickets for the Sambadrome, organise a ball for tourists, or just wait until they pass out after drinking drugged caipirinha and steal their valuables. What a wonderful world it is!

Final Examination, PhD Degree

Congratulations! Now there is only one challenge left. You have to pass the following exam to get your academic degree. Please read and answer the next question carefully.

Tourists come to our beautiful country:

1) to give us their money

2) to be insulted

3) because they are stupid

If you answered 1 or 3, you have graduated. Congratulations! If you answered 2, you just earned a Master’s Degree and you need to study a little bit more to get your PhD.

If you don’t understand the question or if you cannot read, never mind. None of us can.